Spring break is just around the corner. I’m pretty excited about it honestly. I am one of those moms who thoroughly enjoys it when their children are home from school. I feel better knowing that they are just in the other room… safe and sound. That may be some type of issue with letting go that I need to work through but let’s table that for another day, shall we? What I am serving up to you today for discussion is the FIRST VACATION SINCE BEING IN RECOVERY!! (Insert audible gasps and horrified expressions).
Oh man, this one is not for the faint of heart! Now would it be such a big deal if we were staying home and not going anywhere? Probably not. But that is not the case. We are going south. Which means I need to dig into my closet for my “summer clothes”… and when I tell you that I would rather listen to a 4-year-old play Sweet Child O’ Mine on a recorder for a straight 24 hours than go through my “summer clothes”, I am in no way exaggerating!
It’s not that I don’t love my summer clothes. I actually do… I really love them. I have a pair of jean shorts that I basically lived in last summer that were the absolute perfect combination of adorable and comfortable. And therein lies the problem. I lived in them last summer… when I was actively in ED. Which means those shorts are in no way, shape or form going to fit this “healthy” version of me. In fact, I’d venture to guess that about 85% of my clothes from the summer will in no way fit me this year. And I guess in a way that is a good thing, right? I mean that’s what I keep telling myself, over and over and over and over again as I can feel myself getting overwhelmed by the possibility that I will be naked in Florida due to the lack of clothing that fits and the complete and total meltdown that I can feel hiding just below the surface at the thought of buying… “HEALTHY” sized clothes….
And I keep putting it off. The whole packing or at least getting some idea as to what I need to buy for myself. Normally, this would be exciting right? I get to buy new clothes and who doesn’t love a good shopping trip? Me, actually. I hate shopping. It is probably one of my least favorite things to do. Regardless, this is what I find myself struggling with. It’s that moment when you thought you were really crushing it in the recovery process and then this situation arises and has you questioning how much progress, mentally, have you actually made?
Because let’s face it, that’s really where the struggle lies. It’s somewhere between, “ok I made it through this day and hit all the targets I was supposed to, so I am crushing this” and “OH MY GOD, I have to buy shorts and tank tops and I am not ready for this, and I will never be ready for this, and I am a complete and total fraud!!!’ Where is the happy medium? No, seriously…. that’s what I am asking you… I haven’t found the answer to that one yet! But I am going to do it… I mean I have to do it. My options are do it, fully understanding that it’s most likely going to be somewhat uncomfortable at first and most likely second, or stay home, stuck in this horrible pattern missing out on life with my family. I think I have lived in that isolated world long enough. And so have you!!!
So, we press on. We do the work because that’s literally what this entire process is… DOING THE WORK!!! It’s not always pretty and we don’t always do it with a giant smile on our faces. But we show up. And so, I will now begin my search for the right shorts for me for this particular vacation, knowing full well that these may not be the shorts that work this summer or next year. And I will keep you in the loop. If I do happen to find a pair of shorts that just wow me or a bathing suit (oh no she did NOT just bathing suit) … yes, a bathing suit that makes me feel good… I will let you know. I may decide to completely forgo the entire “summer clothes” pile all together. Sometimes, you just have to leave those for another day or maybe never again… and that’s ok too! One battle at a time!!! Ok, let’s DO THIS!!!
