Well I made it through the vacation pretty much unscathed…at least I thought so until I was perusing through pictures from the trip. UGH!!! those stupid pictures! No, I shouldn’t call them stupid because they are great memories I will have that includes all of my family, even my 21yr old, who seldomly has time for his dear old mom these days! So I am grateful that I have them to look back on and remember the fun we had this past week. And honestly, we had SUCH A GOOD TIME! It was a much needed break from the every day and it was a great time for my younger kids to spend time with their older brother, whom they adore but their schedules are so incredibly opposite they don’t get as much time together as they would like. So yes, I am thankful for these pictures…most of them!

The thing with pictures is, when you are the person taking them, you control the narrative right? The angle, the closeness, how much of you is being seen etc. But when someone else takes the picture, it’s dealers choice and sometimes those choices leave me going…”what were you possibly thinking?” Which is exactly what I said to my sister, who was the picture taker of the specific picture in question. I mean just literally the worst possible angle ever, mixed with no real focus and left me feeling less than excited to be in recovery!

And that’s the thing. As annoying as it is for me and let’s be honest, probably everyone else around me, every reaction or response right now, is pretty much directly tied to my recovery. I don’t think people get that sometimes. That just because I am in recovery, all those intrusive thoughts and emotions, although most days are a lot quieter, still linger and take so much effort to ignore and push through. Because that’s what we are doing in these early stages of recovery, right? We are pushing through in spite of the emotions, feelings and discomfort. It’s this game of ignore all the things that have been my coping mechanism for so long and act as though inside your head, you are not screaming at the top of your lungs how insanely hard this all is. We do that in the hopes that each day, it will become a little easier and a little easier until it does actually become insignificant and no longer an issue. But until that day, whenever it may be, we continue to push on.

And most days, lately, I have been doing a great job of it. I mean, I’ll be honest, I was a little cocky about it once I got home. Thinking to myself, look at me go,I put on that bathing suit and swam with my kids… I wore those shorts.. look at me DOMINATING E.D right now!! And then it happened… THE PICTURE!! Now to most people, it probably would look like a normal picture… pretty unremarkable of a mom trying to arrange her four children for a picture… but to me.. I’m not even going to say it out loud! Let’s just say it left me spiraling in as little as two seconds and reconsidering ever life choice I have ever made! (ok, that may be a bit extreme but honestly, it shook ever ounce of foundation I thought I was so securely standing on!)

And so I called my sister to complain about this “hideous” picture to which she responded, “I have no idea what you are talking about… all these pictures, (yes I text them to her in my fit of discouragement) are great. You look happy and the healthiest I’ve seen you in a long time!” And then she said the thing that has stuck with me, “remember, you haven’t always had the best relationship with how you see yourself, it’s pretty distorted”. Man, one sentence lays it all out there doesn’t it!! But, it’s the truth. I still do not see myself the way others do.

My perception of me is no where near what my husband or my sister or my kids see. There have been times over these last few months where I have looked in the mirror and thought, ya, that’s not bad and there have been times, more often that I like to admit, where I have completely unraveled. I’d like to think it’s improving but who really knows. All that to say, if you are also riding the exhausting wave of “I’m such a rockstar right now” and “My God, I look like THAT!!” you are not alone and I would even venture to say, there are more of us than not. It’s ok. It will get better over time. Take the small victory, the one moment that you felt good or even ok, and be encouraged by that. Over time, the pendulum has to shift and as I always say, “Until then, we keep pushing on!”