I wasn’t going to write today. Well, actually that isn’t entirely true. This morning I woke up with the intention of writing at some point and had a whole plot line of what I wanted to talk about. However, that was quickly derailed. I’ll be honest here. Today, is a rough day! I was starting to think I was coming up on the other side of this whole thing. I was actually thinking that I had turned a corner and either my body was finally waking up and doing what it was supposed to do, like digest my food and then distribute it normally to my body or my mind was finally waking up and I was no longer seeing some distorted and exaggerated version of myself. I was more than hopeful. I was elated.

But today I find myself right back in it. I’ve often tried to describe to my husband or friends what it feels like when I am in my “E.D Headspace.” The closest description I can come up with would be to imagine you are just going about your day, doing all the things you need to do and all the while, someone is following behind you, constantly clapping their hands in your ear. Its distracting, its overwhelming and it’s all consuming. The negative thoughts and feeling like you just want to get away from your own skin, but you can’t. It’s like being held hostage but your captor is your mind.

So what set it off? Why am I reeling today when yesterday and the day before that, I felt so confident. Today it’s a pair of shorts. It sounds so ridiculous when I say it out loud. That an article of clothing can send an otherwise rational grown woman, into such a tailspin that she feels closer to giving up than trying harder. Even now as I sit here typing, watching my girls play soccer in the front yard, I am far less focused on what I am writing, and much more focused on the fact that I can see my stomach in my peripherals and it seems so “VISIBLE”!!

Would anyone else who walked by even notice my stomach? Probably not. Has anything changed from yesterday when I felt so confident, to today, when I feel absolutely awful? Nope.. literally nothing. So why does this happen and for the love of God, when will it stop? I don’t have an answer. I wish I did… I really do. What I do know is, I abused my body for 20 years. 20 years of extreme restriction, laxative abuse and over exercising and I want it all fixed in a few months. I don’t think its going to work like that. Part of me knows that if it was that easy to fix, I wouldn’t work so hard to stay in recovery. Does that make sense? If I knew, it only takes a few months and I’m back to healthy, I would have far less desire to never have to go through this again and would most like relapse that much quicker.

But I don’t want to go through this again. And I know for a fact my body can’t handle what I was doing before again. So where does that leave me? I have to keep going. I have to see what’s on the other side. These days suck. There is no nice way to word that. But I would be a total fraud if I didn’t remain completely transparent. I wanted to start this blog so that other people going through this journey, who may be feeling this way, on these certain days, can find this blog in their fit of desperation and know that they aren’t alone. We are fighting for our lives here, literally. Some days are really ugly in that battle. This just happens to be one of those days. But I’ve had a taste of what it feels like when you begin to feel like yourself again, and that taste is enough for me to keep pushing on. I hope you do too!!!!