Tag Archives: Body Dysmorphia

“THE E.D. HEADSPACE”

I wasn’t going to write today. Well, actually that isn’t entirely true. This morning I woke up with the intention of writing at some point and had a whole plot line of what I wanted to talk about. However, that was quickly derailed. I’ll be honest here. Today, is a rough day! I was starting to think I was coming up on the other side of this whole thing. I was actually thinking that I had turned a corner and either my body was finally waking up and doing what it was supposed to do, like digest my food and then distribute it normally to my body or my mind was finally waking up and I was no longer seeing some distorted and exaggerated version of myself. I was more than hopeful. I was elated.

But today I find myself right back in it. I’ve often tried to describe to my husband or friends what it feels like when I am in my “E.D Headspace.” The closest description I can come up with would be to imagine you are just going about your day, doing all the things you need to do and all the while, someone is following behind you, constantly clapping their hands in your ear. Its distracting, its overwhelming and it’s all consuming. The negative thoughts and feeling like you just want to get away from your own skin, but you can’t. It’s like being held hostage but your captor is your mind.

So what set it off? Why am I reeling today when yesterday and the day before that, I felt so confident. Today it’s a pair of shorts. It sounds so ridiculous when I say it out loud. That an article of clothing can send an otherwise rational grown woman, into such a tailspin that she feels closer to giving up than trying harder. Even now as I sit here typing, watching my girls play soccer in the front yard, I am far less focused on what I am writing, and much more focused on the fact that I can see my stomach in my peripherals and it seems so “VISIBLE”!!

Would anyone else who walked by even notice my stomach? Probably not. Has anything changed from yesterday when I felt so confident, to today, when I feel absolutely awful? Nope.. literally nothing. So why does this happen and for the love of God, when will it stop? I don’t have an answer. I wish I did… I really do. What I do know is, I abused my body for 20 years. 20 years of extreme restriction, laxative abuse and over exercising and I want it all fixed in a few months. I don’t think its going to work like that. Part of me knows that if it was that easy to fix, I wouldn’t work so hard to stay in recovery. Does that make sense? If I knew, it only takes a few months and I’m back to healthy, I would have far less desire to never have to go through this again and would most like relapse that much quicker.

But I don’t want to go through this again. And I know for a fact my body can’t handle what I was doing before again. So where does that leave me? I have to keep going. I have to see what’s on the other side. These days suck. There is no nice way to word that. But I would be a total fraud if I didn’t remain completely transparent. I wanted to start this blog so that other people going through this journey, who may be feeling this way, on these certain days, can find this blog in their fit of desperation and know that they aren’t alone. We are fighting for our lives here, literally. Some days are really ugly in that battle. This just happens to be one of those days. But I’ve had a taste of what it feels like when you begin to feel like yourself again, and that taste is enough for me to keep pushing on. I hope you do too!!!!

“Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”…Perception vs Reality!

Well I made it through the vacation pretty much unscathed…at least I thought so until I was perusing through pictures from the trip. UGH!!! those stupid pictures! No, I shouldn’t call them stupid because they are great memories I will have that includes all of my family, even my 21yr old, who seldomly has time for his dear old mom these days! So I am grateful that I have them to look back on and remember the fun we had this past week. And honestly, we had SUCH A GOOD TIME! It was a much needed break from the every day and it was a great time for my younger kids to spend time with their older brother, whom they adore but their schedules are so incredibly opposite they don’t get as much time together as they would like. So yes, I am thankful for these pictures…most of them!

The thing with pictures is, when you are the person taking them, you control the narrative right? The angle, the closeness, how much of you is being seen etc. But when someone else takes the picture, it’s dealers choice and sometimes those choices leave me going…”what were you possibly thinking?” Which is exactly what I said to my sister, who was the picture taker of the specific picture in question. I mean just literally the worst possible angle ever, mixed with no real focus and left me feeling less than excited to be in recovery!

And that’s the thing. As annoying as it is for me and let’s be honest, probably everyone else around me, every reaction or response right now, is pretty much directly tied to my recovery. I don’t think people get that sometimes. That just because I am in recovery, all those intrusive thoughts and emotions, although most days are a lot quieter, still linger and take so much effort to ignore and push through. Because that’s what we are doing in these early stages of recovery, right? We are pushing through in spite of the emotions, feelings and discomfort. It’s this game of ignore all the things that have been my coping mechanism for so long and act as though inside your head, you are not screaming at the top of your lungs how insanely hard this all is. We do that in the hopes that each day, it will become a little easier and a little easier until it does actually become insignificant and no longer an issue. But until that day, whenever it may be, we continue to push on.

And most days, lately, I have been doing a great job of it. I mean, I’ll be honest, I was a little cocky about it once I got home. Thinking to myself, look at me go,I put on that bathing suit and swam with my kids… I wore those shorts.. look at me DOMINATING E.D right now!! And then it happened… THE PICTURE!! Now to most people, it probably would look like a normal picture… pretty unremarkable of a mom trying to arrange her four children for a picture… but to me.. I’m not even going to say it out loud! Let’s just say it left me spiraling in as little as two seconds and reconsidering ever life choice I have ever made! (ok, that may be a bit extreme but honestly, it shook ever ounce of foundation I thought I was so securely standing on!)

And so I called my sister to complain about this “hideous” picture to which she responded, “I have no idea what you are talking about… all these pictures, (yes I text them to her in my fit of discouragement) are great. You look happy and the healthiest I’ve seen you in a long time!” And then she said the thing that has stuck with me, “remember, you haven’t always had the best relationship with how you see yourself, it’s pretty distorted”. Man, one sentence lays it all out there doesn’t it!! But, it’s the truth. I still do not see myself the way others do.

My perception of me is no where near what my husband or my sister or my kids see. There have been times over these last few months where I have looked in the mirror and thought, ya, that’s not bad and there have been times, more often that I like to admit, where I have completely unraveled. I’d like to think it’s improving but who really knows. All that to say, if you are also riding the exhausting wave of “I’m such a rockstar right now” and “My God, I look like THAT!!” you are not alone and I would even venture to say, there are more of us than not. It’s ok. It will get better over time. Take the small victory, the one moment that you felt good or even ok, and be encouraged by that. Over time, the pendulum has to shift and as I always say, “Until then, we keep pushing on!”