Author Archives: Beth

“THE E.D. HEADSPACE”

I wasn’t going to write today. Well, actually that isn’t entirely true. This morning I woke up with the intention of writing at some point and had a whole plot line of what I wanted to talk about. However, that was quickly derailed. I’ll be honest here. Today, is a rough day! I was starting to think I was coming up on the other side of this whole thing. I was actually thinking that I had turned a corner and either my body was finally waking up and doing what it was supposed to do, like digest my food and then distribute it normally to my body or my mind was finally waking up and I was no longer seeing some distorted and exaggerated version of myself. I was more than hopeful. I was elated.

But today I find myself right back in it. I’ve often tried to describe to my husband or friends what it feels like when I am in my “E.D Headspace.” The closest description I can come up with would be to imagine you are just going about your day, doing all the things you need to do and all the while, someone is following behind you, constantly clapping their hands in your ear. Its distracting, its overwhelming and it’s all consuming. The negative thoughts and feeling like you just want to get away from your own skin, but you can’t. It’s like being held hostage but your captor is your mind.

So what set it off? Why am I reeling today when yesterday and the day before that, I felt so confident. Today it’s a pair of shorts. It sounds so ridiculous when I say it out loud. That an article of clothing can send an otherwise rational grown woman, into such a tailspin that she feels closer to giving up than trying harder. Even now as I sit here typing, watching my girls play soccer in the front yard, I am far less focused on what I am writing, and much more focused on the fact that I can see my stomach in my peripherals and it seems so “VISIBLE”!!

Would anyone else who walked by even notice my stomach? Probably not. Has anything changed from yesterday when I felt so confident, to today, when I feel absolutely awful? Nope.. literally nothing. So why does this happen and for the love of God, when will it stop? I don’t have an answer. I wish I did… I really do. What I do know is, I abused my body for 20 years. 20 years of extreme restriction, laxative abuse and over exercising and I want it all fixed in a few months. I don’t think its going to work like that. Part of me knows that if it was that easy to fix, I wouldn’t work so hard to stay in recovery. Does that make sense? If I knew, it only takes a few months and I’m back to healthy, I would have far less desire to never have to go through this again and would most like relapse that much quicker.

But I don’t want to go through this again. And I know for a fact my body can’t handle what I was doing before again. So where does that leave me? I have to keep going. I have to see what’s on the other side. These days suck. There is no nice way to word that. But I would be a total fraud if I didn’t remain completely transparent. I wanted to start this blog so that other people going through this journey, who may be feeling this way, on these certain days, can find this blog in their fit of desperation and know that they aren’t alone. We are fighting for our lives here, literally. Some days are really ugly in that battle. This just happens to be one of those days. But I’ve had a taste of what it feels like when you begin to feel like yourself again, and that taste is enough for me to keep pushing on. I hope you do too!!!!

“Objects in Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear”…Perception vs Reality!

Well I made it through the vacation pretty much unscathed…at least I thought so until I was perusing through pictures from the trip. UGH!!! those stupid pictures! No, I shouldn’t call them stupid because they are great memories I will have that includes all of my family, even my 21yr old, who seldomly has time for his dear old mom these days! So I am grateful that I have them to look back on and remember the fun we had this past week. And honestly, we had SUCH A GOOD TIME! It was a much needed break from the every day and it was a great time for my younger kids to spend time with their older brother, whom they adore but their schedules are so incredibly opposite they don’t get as much time together as they would like. So yes, I am thankful for these pictures…most of them!

The thing with pictures is, when you are the person taking them, you control the narrative right? The angle, the closeness, how much of you is being seen etc. But when someone else takes the picture, it’s dealers choice and sometimes those choices leave me going…”what were you possibly thinking?” Which is exactly what I said to my sister, who was the picture taker of the specific picture in question. I mean just literally the worst possible angle ever, mixed with no real focus and left me feeling less than excited to be in recovery!

And that’s the thing. As annoying as it is for me and let’s be honest, probably everyone else around me, every reaction or response right now, is pretty much directly tied to my recovery. I don’t think people get that sometimes. That just because I am in recovery, all those intrusive thoughts and emotions, although most days are a lot quieter, still linger and take so much effort to ignore and push through. Because that’s what we are doing in these early stages of recovery, right? We are pushing through in spite of the emotions, feelings and discomfort. It’s this game of ignore all the things that have been my coping mechanism for so long and act as though inside your head, you are not screaming at the top of your lungs how insanely hard this all is. We do that in the hopes that each day, it will become a little easier and a little easier until it does actually become insignificant and no longer an issue. But until that day, whenever it may be, we continue to push on.

And most days, lately, I have been doing a great job of it. I mean, I’ll be honest, I was a little cocky about it once I got home. Thinking to myself, look at me go,I put on that bathing suit and swam with my kids… I wore those shorts.. look at me DOMINATING E.D right now!! And then it happened… THE PICTURE!! Now to most people, it probably would look like a normal picture… pretty unremarkable of a mom trying to arrange her four children for a picture… but to me.. I’m not even going to say it out loud! Let’s just say it left me spiraling in as little as two seconds and reconsidering ever life choice I have ever made! (ok, that may be a bit extreme but honestly, it shook ever ounce of foundation I thought I was so securely standing on!)

And so I called my sister to complain about this “hideous” picture to which she responded, “I have no idea what you are talking about… all these pictures, (yes I text them to her in my fit of discouragement) are great. You look happy and the healthiest I’ve seen you in a long time!” And then she said the thing that has stuck with me, “remember, you haven’t always had the best relationship with how you see yourself, it’s pretty distorted”. Man, one sentence lays it all out there doesn’t it!! But, it’s the truth. I still do not see myself the way others do.

My perception of me is no where near what my husband or my sister or my kids see. There have been times over these last few months where I have looked in the mirror and thought, ya, that’s not bad and there have been times, more often that I like to admit, where I have completely unraveled. I’d like to think it’s improving but who really knows. All that to say, if you are also riding the exhausting wave of “I’m such a rockstar right now” and “My God, I look like THAT!!” you are not alone and I would even venture to say, there are more of us than not. It’s ok. It will get better over time. Take the small victory, the one moment that you felt good or even ok, and be encouraged by that. Over time, the pendulum has to shift and as I always say, “Until then, we keep pushing on!”

Vacation… You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me!!

Spring break is just around the corner. I’m pretty excited about it honestly. I am one of those moms who thoroughly enjoys it when their children are home from school. I feel better knowing that they are just in the other room… safe and sound. That may be some type of issue with letting go that I need to work through but let’s table that for another day, shall we? What I am serving up to you today for discussion is the FIRST VACATION SINCE BEING IN RECOVERY!! (Insert audible gasps and horrified expressions).

Oh man, this one is not for the faint of heart! Now would it be such a big deal if we were staying home and not going anywhere? Probably not. But that is not the case. We are going south. Which means I need to dig into my closet for my “summer clothes”… and when I tell you that I would rather listen to a 4-year-old play Sweet Child O’ Mine on a recorder for a straight 24 hours than go through my “summer clothes”, I am in no way exaggerating!

It’s not that I don’t love my summer clothes. I actually do… I really love them. I have a pair of jean shorts that I basically lived in last summer that were the absolute perfect combination of adorable and comfortable. And therein lies the problem. I lived in them last summer… when I was actively in ED. Which means those shorts are in no way, shape or form going to fit this “healthy” version of me. In fact, I’d venture to guess that about 85% of my clothes from the summer will in no way fit me this year. And I guess in a way that is a good thing, right? I mean that’s what I keep telling myself, over and over and over and over again as I can feel myself getting overwhelmed by the possibility that I will be naked in Florida due to the lack of clothing that fits and the complete and total meltdown that I can feel hiding just below the surface at the thought of buying… “HEALTHY” sized clothes….

And I keep putting it off. The whole packing or at least getting some idea as to what I need to buy for myself. Normally, this would be exciting right? I get to buy new clothes and who doesn’t love a good shopping trip? Me, actually. I hate shopping. It is probably one of my least favorite things to do. Regardless, this is what I find myself struggling with. It’s that moment when you thought you were really crushing it in the recovery process and then this situation arises and has you questioning how much progress, mentally, have you actually made?

Because let’s face it, that’s really where the struggle lies. It’s somewhere between, “ok I made it through this day and hit all the targets I was supposed to, so I am crushing this” and “OH MY GOD, I have to buy shorts and tank tops and I am not ready for this, and I will never be ready for this, and I am a complete and total fraud!!!’ Where is the happy medium? No, seriously…. that’s what I am asking you… I haven’t found the answer to that one yet! But I am going to do it… I mean I have to do it. My options are do it, fully understanding that it’s most likely going to be somewhat uncomfortable at first and most likely second, or stay home, stuck in this horrible pattern missing out on life with my family. I think I have lived in that isolated world long enough. And so have you!!!

So, we press on. We do the work because that’s literally what this entire process is… DOING THE WORK!!! It’s not always pretty and we don’t always do it with a giant smile on our faces. But we show up. And so, I will now begin my search for the right shorts for me for this particular vacation, knowing full well that these may not be the shorts that work this summer or next year. And I will keep you in the loop. If I do happen to find a pair of shorts that just wow me or a bathing suit (oh no she did NOT just bathing suit) … yes, a bathing suit that makes me feel good… I will let you know. I may decide to completely forgo the entire “summer clothes” pile all together. Sometimes, you just have to leave those for another day or maybe never again… and that’s ok too! One battle at a time!!! Ok, let’s DO THIS!!!

6 Months..That’s the Magic Number?!

So, I am 6 months into recovery. And when I tell you I was so excited to get to this point in recovery, I can’t even find the right words to express the anticipation and excitement. But why Beth…what’s the deal with six months? Well, I’ll tell you, if for no other reason, than to help you avoid this elusive mind game that is 6 months. If you are anything like me, and I am hoping someone else is out there, I am always looking for some indicator as to how far along in the recovery process I am. A sort of “mile-marker” if you will. Some type of indicator that I am on track and that there is some type of relief just ahead. That’s where the whole six months comes into play.

As I mentioned before, there were countless nights where I was awake and searching desperately for some life preserver to let me know that what I was feeling was in fact normal and the symptoms and discomforts I was experiencing was on track and completely how they should be. Which, I feel I need to interject here that this type of behavior, although completely normal, is doing us no favors and we should probably knock it off… easier said than done, I know but still. Anyways, everything I read kept coming back to 6 months. “In six months, you’ll begin to feel this”, “in six months, weight will redistribute…blah blah blah”, “in six months, you won’t feel like you are crawling in your skin and every article of clothing you put on feels like a boa constrictor squeezing the every ounce of hope out of you”… you know, stuff like that. EVERYTHING leads my ED brain to believe that relief was waiting for me at the 6-month mark!

So here we are …. 6 Months! We did it baby! I don’t know exactly what I was expecting. Maybe the morning of the 6th month, I flutter open my eyes, as opposed to jumping up and running around packing school lunches and downing liquid energy, i.e… coffee at mass quantities to get the day going! Maybe not today…today I would awaken gently by the sound of birds singing like in Snow White and miraculously all the struggle is gone! I look in the mirror and suddenly appreciate every single thing about my body which is no longer struggling with being bloated and having all the weight distributed to my stomach and thighs in an awkwardly miss proportioned way… everything is exactly as it should be…all is right in the world!!

Oh my God!! WAKE UP LADY!!! Listen, I’m not saying this isn’t going to be your experience…maybe you will hit six months and it will be fabulous for you. I’m just saying, for me, all that hope and all that pressure that I put on poor 6 months, BAD IDEA.. and for what…. nothing looked different. And I was mad. I felt lied to and I felt like surely there must be something wrong with me. Why am I not everything that I have read or seen on Instagram. How am I failing at recovery? And that’s when it hit me. And that’s part of the idea behind this whole blog.

There is no set standard for this recovery process. Let me repeat that for those of you who are still struggling…THERE IS NO SET STANDARD FOR THIS RECOVERY PROCESS!!! You have to let that go babes. It’s not doing you any favors! There are moments when I feel like I am totally dominating this recovery and there are other moments when I feel like it’s totally dominating me!!! The point is, even though it may seem like I am alone in this whole process because surely everyone else is meeting the 6 months mark like a boss and I am the only one who can’t seem to get it together… I would venture to say there is at least one other person who can relate to this feeling…. one other person who is looking around like, now what? I just keep going? I just continue to do what I have been doing for the last 6 months? You have GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!?? So that’s where I am today… just like yesterday and most likely tomorrow… but you know what I keep telling myself? What if tomorrow is the day I turn the corner. Whatever that means, I’m honestly not even sure. But that gives me hope. The hope I need to continue to work and show up not just for me but for my kids, my husband and all the people who have showed up for me through this process. I can’t possibly be the only one who is going through this. So….. are you out there???

“If the Mountain won’t come to Muhammad…”

So, let’s talk about how this whole blog came about. Why in the world would I want to put out there all the struggles and all the feelings that I experience ever day going through this process? I’ll tell you one thing; it was not something that I did on a whim. This has been something I have considered and reconsidered more times than I can count. So why do it? Why be vulnerable? Honestly, still working those feelings out!!!

I know one thing that has fueled this whole idea. I am 6 months into recovery, for the second time. I don’t want to go into too much detail about my eating disorder because I don’t want this to be a trigger for anyone. What I will say is the basics. Anorexia was my ED of choice and all that comes with it. Laxative abuse…I mean severe laxative abuse, extreme restriction…you know the drill. I went into treatment the first time when my middle son was still very young. It was an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) and at the time, I thought it was the hardest thing I had ever done. However, I am 10 years older than I was the first time I went into treatment/recovery and this time is a lot different. When I was first starting the recovery process this time, this blog was what I was looking for. In the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep and I was so desperately searching for someone else who was experiencing what I was going through, to give me just that little bit of reassurance but finding very little solace. The idea was sparked. Sorta “if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain” scenario.

Because here’s the thing. Not every recovery is the same. Not every person is the same. They just aren’t. So, you need to expect that every recovery process is not going to be the same. Which is a real pain in the ass honestly. But when I was looking for any inkling that I was not the only person on the planet experiencing what I was going through, I only found the same stories over and over again. And they looked nothing like mine. Which left me feeling alone and less than reassured. Maybe it was because I am now a mother of four going through it, maybe it’s because I’m 40 and going through it or maybe it was because I just really wanted someone to be real with me for the love of God and tell me this recovery process sucks most the time but at some point, it will get better!! Regardless, I wasn’t finding what I needed.

So, I decided, I would put my experience out there. This whole recovery process is not for the faint-hearted. Add on top of that being a mother and a wife, having everyday responsibilities and “all other life” to continue on with, it can be absolutely brutal and isolating. So here I am. Laying it all out there for you to read. Even if it only helps one other person, at least that person will know that there is someone else who has experienced what they are going through and knows what it’s like. You are not alone. This process is not fun. It’s so hard. Every day is hard, and I don’t say that to be discouraging or to make you feel like it’s impossible. But I am the type of person who wants to know what I am getting into. I want to know what’s ahead. I like a strategy and a plan. Unfortunately, you can’t say for sure what it will look like exactly and for those of us who are Type-A planners, that really sucks BUT it’s good to have a wide variety of experiences to lean on. So, while those stories that I read in my search for help, didn’t necessarily answer my questions or seem relatable to me, I know that they are just as important as a counterbalance for some people.

I can’t say for sure what this blog will evolve into. I know what my dream is for it. That it can not only be a place for reassurance and getting things off your chest but most importantly HOPE. HOPE that one day, sooner rather than later, the harder days are fewer and daily life becomes routinely normal in the most AMAZING type of way!!!