So, let’s talk about how this whole blog came about. Why in the world would I want to put out there all the struggles and all the feelings that I experience ever day going through this process? I’ll tell you one thing; it was not something that I did on a whim. This has been something I have considered and reconsidered more times than I can count. So why do it? Why be vulnerable? Honestly, still working those feelings out!!!
I know one thing that has fueled this whole idea. I am 6 months into recovery, for the second time. I don’t want to go into too much detail about my eating disorder because I don’t want this to be a trigger for anyone. What I will say is the basics. Anorexia was my ED of choice and all that comes with it. Laxative abuse…I mean severe laxative abuse, extreme restriction…you know the drill. I went into treatment the first time when my middle son was still very young. It was an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) and at the time, I thought it was the hardest thing I had ever done. However, I am 10 years older than I was the first time I went into treatment/recovery and this time is a lot different. When I was first starting the recovery process this time, this blog was what I was looking for. In the middle of the night, when I couldn’t sleep and I was so desperately searching for someone else who was experiencing what I was going through, to give me just that little bit of reassurance but finding very little solace. The idea was sparked. Sorta “if the mountain won’t come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain” scenario.
Because here’s the thing. Not every recovery is the same. Not every person is the same. They just aren’t. So, you need to expect that every recovery process is not going to be the same. Which is a real pain in the ass honestly. But when I was looking for any inkling that I was not the only person on the planet experiencing what I was going through, I only found the same stories over and over again. And they looked nothing like mine. Which left me feeling alone and less than reassured. Maybe it was because I am now a mother of four going through it, maybe it’s because I’m 40 and going through it or maybe it was because I just really wanted someone to be real with me for the love of God and tell me this recovery process sucks most the time but at some point, it will get better!! Regardless, I wasn’t finding what I needed.
So, I decided, I would put my experience out there. This whole recovery process is not for the faint-hearted. Add on top of that being a mother and a wife, having everyday responsibilities and “all other life” to continue on with, it can be absolutely brutal and isolating. So here I am. Laying it all out there for you to read. Even if it only helps one other person, at least that person will know that there is someone else who has experienced what they are going through and knows what it’s like. You are not alone. This process is not fun. It’s so hard. Every day is hard, and I don’t say that to be discouraging or to make you feel like it’s impossible. But I am the type of person who wants to know what I am getting into. I want to know what’s ahead. I like a strategy and a plan. Unfortunately, you can’t say for sure what it will look like exactly and for those of us who are Type-A planners, that really sucks BUT it’s good to have a wide variety of experiences to lean on. So, while those stories that I read in my search for help, didn’t necessarily answer my questions or seem relatable to me, I know that they are just as important as a counterbalance for some people.
I can’t say for sure what this blog will evolve into. I know what my dream is for it. That it can not only be a place for reassurance and getting things off your chest but most importantly HOPE. HOPE that one day, sooner rather than later, the harder days are fewer and daily life becomes routinely normal in the most AMAZING type of way!!!
